January 11, 2019

B.,

I came here to apologize. I have with no expectations for the outcome of this, I'm just here to express how truly sorry I feel for how things happened. I don't know what's right and I've been lost for a long time. Every day since we last spoke has been hard for me and I'm sure its been even harder for you. I knew that night I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for how I treated you and that's why I'm here now. I'm here to try to make things right, even if it's the last time I'll ever see you. I realized several weeks ago that I couldn't continue living the life I had been. Every day I'd think about you and miss you more. Every day I regretted not just breaking up and missing out on something beautiful, but hurting you. Hurting the person in my life that I cared about most. The most unfair act I've ever done to someone was getting back together with you and then leaving again. I have never hurt someone so bad before. I have never hurt myself so bad before. I don't want to emphasize my own pain, but it's the only way I think I can express how terribly sorry I've felt these last months. I left my last relationship because of my regrets and my feelings for you that never faded. I'm on my own in a new place now and am trying to find again the happiness I had when we were together.

You were the greatest thing in my life for a long time. You were my long distance companion while I traveled across the world, when I moved to a new city and started a new job. You were my inspiration for writing poetry, for improving myself, for getting excited about the world. You showed me a higher moral standard to live by. How to live a beautiful life. The truth is I've never seen you make a mistake. I haven't had this since we were together. I hope I also inspired you and opened you up to new things, as thats what makes love so great. I took you for granted and I'm sorry for that. I wish we had communicated more about what we both wanted. If we had decided together that we wanted to date I would have been all yours and I never would have left. I didn't know what you wanted and I didn't know what I wanted. I know that having you in my life in any form now would make me happy. The only truly happy days I've had in months were those few when we got back together. There are many reasons I think we are right for each other, but I've broken your trust in the worst way and that is a very difficulty thing to forgive. It wasn't our our personalities that split us, it was just circumstance and terribly mistaken decisions on my part. 

I'd like to meet up tomorrow to talk. I'll be here until Monday morning, so if you need an extra day to think about things please tell me. I'll be completely truthful about anything you'd like to know, and if there isn't anything then at least I'll have a chance to apologize in person and you'll have the chance to tell me your thoughts. I'm a romantic Brita and I think you are too. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I hope you see me being here as an expression of deep emotion and not as a trick to get you back. I want what's best for you and I want to be able to forgive myself.

I love you.

Je t’aime pour toujours

Kalvin