February 6, 2021

B.,

I mentioned that, once I had the words, I would write you a letter since our goodbye was so brief. We have a long tradition of this, so I hope it doesn't come in bad grace.

Over the last few months I've had some time to reflect on the time we spent together. I know a lot of it was very difficult, for both of us, and most, if not all, of that is on me. There were many times I was critical or upset or just generally not someone pleasant to be in a relationship with and that deserves a plain apology. There are parts of my personality that come from my childhood and parts that come from my experiences that I need to work on. There is no reason to put someone through that. Please accept this letter as one.

The person I entered your life as and the person I exited as are two very different people. I'm not the same confident (arrogant), self-assured person I used to be. I have gained a deep reflection on the way that I approach the world and I'm glad to have that starting point to work from going forward. I'm sorry you had to be part of the tumultuous breakdown of my personality which got me there.

The things that brought us together and the things we shared were beautiful. We perceived many parts of the world with sublimity and saw the grace in things. We are driven people, I know you'll be extremely successful in your path. It takes personal traits worthy of respect to approach life with the single minded drive to change it for the better which you have. You have a deep kindness in you that you lend to others even at cost. Self sacrifice and humility are things I will work on in my own life and I've learned and grown much from understanding and reflecting on your approach to the world. You cannot know how much I appreciate the maturity you showed at the end of the time we were together. The world needs more people like you.

But we are different souls and are going to go through life in different ways. There are some things I cannot sacrifice and finding out what those are is part of what living and growing is about, and it's not on you or any other partner of mine to provide everything.

I hope you find exactly what you are looking for in life. I hope one day we can both look back on the time we were together and appreciate the truly happy times we did have, while giving the lows their due as well. I wish you the best. If you are ever in a situation where you need my help, don't hesitate to reach out. All the support you provided while we were together cannot be repaid.

The hive is broken where the wind has shattered

To loose young breathless bodies to the sun,

The queen is dead, the carnival is scattered;

The bee in golden anger wings the stone.

So you will strive against the earth and nettle,

Into man-strength opposing fact to fact,

When, leaf, the dark blood brazens in to metal,

And you ascend the vision from the act.

-Lincoln Fitzell