April 6, 2018
E., I hope you didn't feel like you had to leave last night because of what I said. You have huge plans for your life and make plans on top of your other plans. I just go by what I feel. You asked me an honest question and I answered as honestly as I could in the moment. It doesn't mean that I'm looking ahead toward breaking things off. I think I look much less far ahead than you to. To be honest I just don't really feel myself falling in love and that's something you need right away in a long term relationship.
You said that you just take it day by day and aren't looking months ahead, but you wouldn't have sent this this morning if that was true. You're living between two difficult forces, one that says not to look ahead and accept what you have in the moment, and one that tells you there's no point in opening up if it isn't going anywhere.
In every relationship there is the opportunity to do kindness and make someones live better. And there's always also the opportunity to improve. Improve the way I show affection, improve the ways I understand and empathize with people, to improve the ways I express myself. I have appreciated all time we've spent together and will appreciate and enjoy all the time we might have ahead. I don't want you to feel like I've used you to just pass the time. That's so shallow and I hope that you have felt some sort of connection above this or I am worse at expressing myself than I thought.
I want to understand your humanity and feel some of the emotions you feel, but this takes a certain level of intimacy. Developing any sort of bond involves sharing intimate spaces. I'm okay with opening myself up a bit for this to happen, but I also accept (though maybe not fully understand) that you might not be okay with this at this point in your life. If you just wanted to go on walks and read poetry and talk and take pictures of things I would be fine with that, I'm not looking for anything specific . And if you feel like having sex and sleeping over and cuddling naked isn't something you can do knowing that things might not last then I accept that too.