April 19, 2023

K.,

It's been a while since I've written a letter like this. And it's a letter of love. I often have contradicting feelings with you. I see you as the first person ever in my life that I could simply be happy with over my life. You balance me, you invigorate me, and we share the right kind of passion and understanding of the world. There are many aesthetics concerns that I don't think we match at all on. Appreciations for certain kinds of art and understanding of the sublime. But matching perfectly in that way doesn't always make a couple happy and successful.

I realize how my statements sound to you sometimes, the practicalness makes you worry about my own intentions and justifications. But maintaining and committing to a relationship that spans two continents is not the 'practical' thing to do. I love this relationship and I love you.

I know what infatuation feels like. I've felt it with you, but I don't always feel it. And I'm not sure why that is. Sometimes I feel very afraid that fully committing all my thoughts, hopes, everything to you will 

I have also been in the exact reverse situation. I accused a previous partner of mine of not actually caring and committing. And after a long time I eventually understood that she was just happy to be with me. She didn't express herself the same way I did, but she wasn't making any other plans.